I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
