why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
