You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
