her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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