You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
