Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
