The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He felt like a one man threesome
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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