Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
