dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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