So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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