He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
