Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
