i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
