Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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