my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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