they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
