I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
