JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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