I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
