he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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