so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
