Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
