i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
