in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
