I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i believe in u and ur pee
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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