dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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