imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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