I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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