I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
