ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
