just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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