you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
