Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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