6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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