If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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