She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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