If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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