I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
