I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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