you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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