she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
