In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
