woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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