I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
