an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just had sex on a roof
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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