...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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