So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
