walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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