Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
