i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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