Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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