In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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