Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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