Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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