I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
