I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
