my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
